FEATURED WRITER Sheela Pillai's 'You got You'

1.12am and in another few hours, I will be wheeled into the operation theatre. It’s ironic how 12 hours ago the nurse commented that I was such a calm one for a person who is about to have a surgery the next day, but now I am crying my heart out as I write this.

These couple of weeks have been rough with me running away from reality, dodging responsibilities and trying my best to convince myself that I am fine. Having the surgery postponed gave me anxiety and I had been diverting myself by altering my night life, mainly to put a façade that I am holding up strongly, except that I wasn’t.

I judge myself a little too often, and while sometimes it helps me figure things out, there were times it caused me more insecurity than peace. I want answers but I never were prepared for them, and that usually takes a toll on me.

7 years ago, I had an ovarian cyst removed and along that I found out I have a retroverted uterus as well as endometriosis. Now after all these years, another cyst and adding up to the endometriosis is another condition called Adenomyosis. This time it’s gotten worse that I require an open surgery instead of a laparoscopic procedure.

Truth is, this hit me hard, and I am still in a confused and dazzled state. I had gone to countless gynaecologists, opted for whatever methods available other than medicine, yet none came to avail. I gave up and instead of fighting it off, I came to accept that this is how it will be. Every menses cycle I had gotten was a nightmare with half of each month passing by me being mentally and emotionally disturbed, physically in severe pain and to top it off losing momentum in my daily routine.

With all these pilling up within me, I started having a sense of fear of being looked upon as a burden amongst love ones, or a weakling around my acquaintances. I had been bullied and discriminated against at my workspace due to my condition. I had felt worthless amongst my peers because I knew my performance wasn’t up to the standard and my credibility had been questioned many times.

I felt that I owed it to myself to know that I should be able to do better, and I beat myself up for not being strong enough. Together with these thoughts, depression came into the picture while my anxiety grown worse within these two months. My mind was going into a war between wanting to break down and just give up or sucking it up and moving forward. A question popped in my mind in between this battle a few hours ago; what is enough and when will it ever be enough?

I mean honestly, we humans are the biggest hypocrites and myself included. We can’t run away from being judgmental because each part of our life decision is a judgment that differs from others altogether. While one finds education as an achievement, another find his skills the best tools he’s got in life.

We live in an environment that says be something in this society, but then also says be everything else that others are in this society. There is always something to be compared to and living life according to such a philosophy is destructive to human kind. Now should I be something, be everything or just be me?

I started thinking if I am living only to satisfy societal norms that if all that matters is to fit in? I question my inner reflection, whether I am being true to my soul?

What if I don’t wish to be enough? What is enough is what weakens me? What is enough to begin with? I ponder and somehow what comes out of it gives me a sense of clarity.

Maybe that’s just it - that there is no answer because all that matters is that I am consciously content with myself. There are days I will feel enough, but I got to love myself through the days I don’t feel so. There are times that I will feel being enough is limiting me and I will strive harder that time. There are also times where I will feel being subtle is enough and I will settle in for it.

What I know is whatever enough may be will always change for me and for the society, and I have to decide which one is matters the most to me. I have to learn to forgive myself during the days I punish myself, but it has to happen on my own with no external factors. I will need to learn that my enough will change and that is fine, and that it isn’t something to be afraid of instead to adventure with.

I truly believe that life is more beautiful on the other side of fear, so don’t be afraid to cross it. I am afraid of being weak and incapable, I am afraid of being judged and criticized, but above all; I am more afraid of being anything else but me. I guess, being a weakling isn’t that bad after all.

I cried over my condition, I still feel nervous over my surgery, and I feel silly but I will be alright because whatever I am made of, I am enough; and that is enough for me.

Writing this ease me so I hope it does the same to the readers as well. Remember this, it is okay not to be okay, you got you at the end of the day.

About the Writer : 

A dog lover, on her journey into becoming a pescatarian, suddenly falling into sweet tooth syndrome and a born rebel. Sheela S.Pillai who also writes under the name Gritty Sheela sees the world in between the thin lines.  

Sheela decided to work on her writing through a Creative non-fiction writing with Shweta, the editor of Inkspire. This piece is what Sheela wrote after six weeks of working on her non-fiction writing skills. She had this to say about the workshop experience – 'Your notes were helpful and they challenged my thinking and writing capabilities, giving space for my growth. Each of your responses towards the assignments were encouraging and urged me to explore my writing more. I truly appreciate how you have made this entire course nothing but fun and comfortable at the same time.'