CREATIVE NON-FICTION | Guin, Me and My Leap Of Faith by Vanessa Almeida
Guin says the weirdest things sometimes, as
kids usually do. I was angry, sad and in disbelief all at the same time. Let me
give you some context. We were at a close friend's birthday dinner on the
beach, sipping on juices and cocktails, sand in our toes and the slight winter
coolness setting in. The kids were having fun and as Guin decides she's had
enough, she comes by my side to sit.
With enthusiasm I ask her to click a Selfie
together and we do. She asks to see the picture and says to me "I don't
look good mama, I have sad eyes". I was taken aback a bit and asked her what
she meant. She clarifies "My eyes are droopy and I don't look nice
in pictures". As a parent you wonder the what, why and hows of this. Has
anybody told her that she doesn't look good? Or is she becoming self-conscious
because of the opinion of the people that she generally comes across? My mind
was going 120 kms/ minute already.
But first I needed to address her then and
there, so I shake off my stupor. I make her turn towards me and in the clearest
possible voice I say "Baby, you are beautiful! You have beautiful big eyes
and you do look very pretty in photographs as well" and instantly she said
"But I want to look like you, mama, you're more beautiful!" I'm
FLOORED!
How do I respond to that? The mother who is working on her own issues with her
body. How do I tell my 8-year-old that she is already so beautiful that I was
envious of how pretty she is? I couldn't think. My brain turned into jelly. So
I say "In my very honest opinion baby, I think you're more beautiful than
me". She smiles..... and that's enough for today. Or so I thought.
The next morning she tells me she doesn't
like her legs, so she worries about wearing dresses. I had just averted a crisis
the previous night, but no..... it’s there... like a ticking time bomb beneath
the rafters that no one can see. Cut back to a few months ago when driving
somewhere she exclaims “Oh God, I look like a man! My hands and legs are so
hairy!” While in fact, they are not! She’s heard me say that I look like a
hairy man every time I was on my way to a parlour to wax. And that’s when I
realised how these things, ever so subtly, transfer on to the minds of our
babies.
This time I take all day to think over the
situation. How do I help this 8 year old child of mine realise that there is
nothing wrong with how she looks and that she is beautiful?
I go back to the time when I was 8. Being made fun of in school by kids for
being over-weight and having short hair and not wearing earrings is a memory I
cannot shake. I wonder if kids are the same today in Guin’s school and I
realise they are. They sit together during recess and compare how big their
thighs are at the grand old age of 8. Guinevere doesn’t have a slender body
like most kids, instead her body is, for lack of better words, well formed and
full. Since she was a baby, relatives would say “Oh she’s so chubby” and as she
grew up “Oh she’s become so thin, is she not eating?” to now “She’s put on a
little weight, no?”. How does a child’s weight or size matter so much that
people have to comment on that first?
After Guin was born, I had the toughest time losing the weight I put on and then some. On a few occasions, I’ve had acquaintances see me and instead of saying “Hello” say “Oh My God! You’ve put on so much weight, Nooooooooo?” In that long drawled out surprise. How do I say the same thing to them? They’ve put on weight/ have gotten bald, etc! I was called a boy in school because of my haircut – my father never knew to take me to a women’s parlour and instead took me to his barber who only knew to cut hair for boys and men. Being sexually abused at different points of my life by different people made things worse. I lost a lot of weight as I finished school and kept it off for many years still but all the while calling myself fat. I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body and couldn’t love anything about myself. I had even reached a point where my cheeks sunk in and I was told I was too thin. Too thin? To me that sounded like the perfect body! I wanted to set camp and live there forever in that world of “too thin”. And then one day I woke up only to realise how unhappy I was – and so I started to eat.
After I got married I was diagnosed with PCOS
(Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). It’s a lifelong condition that I have to manage
but neglected after Guin was born and hence the weight issues. Medication for
this is a genuinely unnerving thing because my body started behaving
differently. My second option was to ditch sugar and most carbs – which has
been a constant battle. Now however, I am starting to win that battle. What put
everything into perspective was Guin and how she viewed her own body. And then
I noticed how all the women around me complained just about anything and
everything about their body. Even those with “Beautiful” bodies complained. A
startling revelation – nobody is happy with their body.
I just didn’t want that anymore and I
realised that I have a long road ahead of me. It starts with me being comfortable in my own skin and not being
critical of what a natural woman looks like. It starts with me being an
advocate for unapologetic self-love and showing Guinevere and those women and
men around us the same. I’ve seen a few women on social media and very few in
real life actually loving themselves and their bodies – it is inspiring! All
they keep saying is LOVE YOURSELF. I am learning to. All this is a work in
progress. It is new territory and scary and yet, at the
same time, it is incredibly liberating!
About the Writer:
Vanessa Almeida is a mother of an 8 year old girl and runs a personalisation company called Silver Stitches along with two others. She
is passionate about almost everything in her life because she is learning
to find joy in the little things again. She likes to sing like nobody's
listening, read like she has all the time in the world and more
importantly hustle like she has no other option.
Awesome write up Vanessa, loved it! already looking forward to the next one.
ReplyDeleteLove it V. You are beautiful! ♥️
ReplyDeleteThank you beautiful!!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete