Featured Writer| Swarna Janaki on 'A Deep Dive Into Motherhood'

A tale with twists and turns and ups and downs and unexpected leaps of faith.  

Swarna Janaki writes about becoming a mother 

Motherhood is a weird thing. We feel so many mixed-emotions all at once. For me, it didn’t start with the fancy story of taking a pregnancy test at home. Instead ‘ Sweetuu! ‘ I whined to Sudhir from bathroom looking at few bloodied clots on the floor.

We rushed to the hospital nearby, met an Ob/Gyn, she examined me and calmed down us saying ,’You need to take a week’s rest and come back with a home pregnancy test. We don’t like to see bleeding, of course, but it’s not uncommon.’

I had the same episode of bleeding twice. We waited as the doctor advised and took the test. Once you see those two pink lines on those glossy plastic sheets you want to jump up or dance but at the same time you stand still as you don’t want to hurt the baby because you are not sure if you can do such actions. Days turned into weeks, and finally it was time to confirm with the radiologist if it was an ectopic pregnancy or a normal one.

The Doctor switched on his handheld ultrasound, pressed the wand on my abdomen, and angling the small screen toward us he said ‘And… here, have a look at your baby’.
Sudhir gazing at the screen asked, ‘ Are you talking about that lentil-sized something on the screen?’ The Doctor smiled and said yes.

My first- trimester was a roller-coaster ride, relieved one day and terrified the next. I had subchorionic hemorrhage. When I heard it from the doctor I wasn’t sure what it was but it scared me. I heard the sound of the heartbeat flickering and she said ‘ the baby looks all fine’. I calmed down. The day came when we had to go-to for the NT scan, we were in a room and the technician prepped the equipment and when the screen lit up, there it was - tiny pairs of arms and legs, hands and feet.

We looked at each other and the baby twice,thrice and more until I had clearly scanned my child with my eyes and imprinted it in my brain. It left us speechless. Everything was fine with the baby and me.  My husband was certainly having his fun describing everything to my mother.

‘The Baby was doing Yoga asanas bending it’s knees and moving freely just like Swarna, which I haven’t ever done,’ he said.

As we were entering into my second and third trimesters, I had lesser complications. I sighed and was happy to hear that we could go walking around the park, as always. Slowly my body got heavier and I had to get few vitamin shots every alternate day. It was painful. But I ignored the pain and enjoyed the kicks of the baby. I knew my child loved it when I was active.

I had episodes of the cervical length getting small – something that was  supposed to trigger preterm labour. I heard many stories of my friends about miscarriages and premature babies. But I was always confident that my pregnancy would be uneventful. I was thinking about my pregnancy test, my doctor’s constant assurances, my support system at home and my unstinting hope.

I was in my 34th week and 4th day, talking to my mom about how she had her deliveries. That moment was so perfect as if that conversation was meant to happen at that time. I woke up to go to the bathroom. And suddenly, my water broke.

 In what seemed like minutes, we were in the labour room, wanting to welcome this baby into the world. Even after 11 hours of labor though, my baby was not ready to come out. So there I was being wheeled into the operation theatre, something that I had not prepared for, having expected to have a natural delivery when suddenly my my Mom whispered, ‘Go ahead. This is the leap of faith that every mother takes. After carrying her baby in her heart and her body for nine months,she happily takes on the unbearable pains and even lets the doctor cut her body open to just give her baby safe passage and a warm hug’. I smiled, took a deep breath and told the nurses that I was ready to go.  

When I looked at my baby boy for the first time, my Mother’s words felt right and in a flash I remembered all the hard and happy times from my childhood and how my mom stood strong to fight the world and make us responsible individuals. I assured Sudhir and myself that I was gonna take this experience as bliss and cherish all the ups and downs that happened during pregnancy. Motherhood is definitely a good weird thing, the best weird thing that happened to me. 

***

About the Writer :

Swarna Janaki is a Fashion Designer with experience as an assistant to Manoviraj Khosla in Bangalore prior to turning into a freelancer. She recently started documenting her personal experiences with motherhood and life in her blog.

Swarna has been working hard on her craft through a Creative Non-Fiction Writing Workshop with Shweta, the editor of Inkspire. This piece was crafted after six weeks of varied writing drills. This is what Swarna had to say about the experience -  
'As always I could feel my accomplishment as soon as I drafted my piece. Editing was definitely hard for me. Though I was not aiming for Oxford english I did my best. Thank you for your guidance. These six weeks were absolutely informative and fun. Thank you for this opportunity.'